Some late night thoughts about loneliness

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Here’s the deal and I’m not super stocked to admit it, but I’m lonely. Really really lonely. I have lived my whole life with a best friend, actually a group of best friends, an amazing circle of people who have my back, who can make me laugh, can tell when I’m sad, and will sit with me through silence. And to be perfectly utterly frank, right now I don’t have that.

Loneliness is a feeling that scares me. At the end of the day I can process anger, disappointment, and guilt, but loneliness is the one thing that I will run from. The one thing that I am nervous to confront, nervous to sit with, and nervous to analyze.

The irony is that I moved to Chiang Mai to get away from the isolation that I felt in Thabo, I moved here and I never knew that I would end up living alone. I did not know that having to confront myself would be the lesson that this city was ready to throw my way. But it has.

I’m lonely, but I’m learning to be ok with it. I’m learning to value the time that I spend on my own, I’m learning to appreciate my own company. I’m alone, and I’m lonely, but I’m no longer afraid of the feeling. It’s one thing to find happiness in others, but quite another to find it in yourself first.

I’m lonely but I’ve also started painting more, writing more, processing with myself more. Recently I was talking to a friend and I told her that while I do value my alone time I am worried that I will miss out, her response was beyond wise, she said ‘huh funny whenever I’m around people I’m worried that I am missing time with myself.” Fabulous. She wasn’t telling me to be a hermit, she wasn’t telling me that connection isn’t important. She was telling me to not only learn to make the most of my time alone, but to enjoy it, to relish in it. She was telling me to do far more than simply accept it but to love it.

I’m sure many of you reading this have already taken this leap, a lot of you are older, have realized the truth that relying on yourself is a mighty good thing. Many of you have moved past the anxiety that a solo Friday night can create. You have learned it by living through it, by sitting through loneliness and realizing that it won’t destroy you, that time can in fact open all sorts of new paths that you didn’t even realize existed. Take a moment and commend yourself, learning to be ok with loneliness is one of the things that I believe makes us strongest at the end of the day.

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